lookingup

Dustin LindenSmith

father | musician | writer


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lookingup

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Thu 18 Jan

Noticed a few changes recently that I wouldn't have thought notable were it not for the sake of posterity, which I've recently come to appreciate more after reading several old journal entries. First started journaling in earnest 3-and-a-half years ago, about a year after we got married. I seem to have maintained the same basic format throughout: chronicled my thoughts at the time, trying not to dwell on events, which are usually of little or no consequence, especially after the fact.

The few changes I've noticed? Whatever frustration, anger or annoyance I've traditionally felt towards any specific people has been steadily melting away. I guess once you start seeing people for who they are, you start to realize their true nature also. (There's probably a good discussion lurking about in there about fate, destiny and karma.) When realizing their true nature, it becomes steadily apparent exactly why and how they have arrived where they are now, and why they're acting the way they do. I've found that whenever I see that in people, I am immediately filled with love for them. I'm usually careful not to tell anyone that, though!

Another thing I've noticed is lately is that my breathing is becoming steadier and more regular, more often. I almost always feel like I'm on an even emotional keel lately, like a dolphin cutting through the waves.

I've also noticed a pervasive peacefulness creeping into my conscious mind for increasingly longer (and often constant) intervals. I'm not angry, I'm not upset, I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, I'm not worried. However, neither am I joyful, ecstatic, happy, gregarious, or excited. I'm just this half-smile, this neutral mood of no-thingness, of quiet, of peace. I'm as gentle as the summer breeze in your nostrils, as soft and warm as my dog's velvet muzzle, as silky smooth as thick chocolate pouring over your favourite fruit. I'm everywhere, but you can't see me. I don't exist, but you can't avoid me. I am your love and happiness, your true nature, your eternal consciousness, your own private happy place, your platform of nothing that holds up the world.

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gwen42 January 19th, 2001
i know exactly what you mean. i'm there too.
this is the longest i've been there as well.
i rather like it ;)

iamom January 19th, 2001
Thought you'd know what I meant. I'm glad you read that.

gwen42 January 19th, 2001
of course i would.
sometimes that's just something you know other people will know and i do.

Re:

iamom January 21st, 2001
om, om, om.

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