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Dustin LindenSmith

father | musician | writer

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Another good consultant joke

My Calgarian cousin, turntablist and consummate software programmer marcl sent me the following joke, which for a minute I thought I'd already posted in here, but then realized that that joke was only a related one and was not actually this one.
A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his laptop, connects it to the internet via a satellite phone, uploads his exact position to a NASA website via GPS and then uses the NASA satellite to scan the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then exports the image to a processing facility in Hamburg, and within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an SQL database connected to an Excel file with hundreds of complex formulae, and a few seconds later prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his miniaturized laser printer. Then he turns to the shepherd and says proudly, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right." says the shepherd. "Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep, then." He watches as the young man selects one of the animals, and looks on amused as the young man shoves it into the back seat of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you know fuck-all about my business. Now give me back my dog."