lookingup

Dustin LindenSmith

father | musician | writer


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lookingup

one of those dialogues with yourself

Much of The Task still awaits. Made certain progress yesterday, but as usual, discovered a possible improvement to the process which results in a short-term time sacrifice for long-term gain. Only problem is, there's not enough time to sacrifice any of it, and I keep ignoring that fact.

Of course, I've always been one to go with my natural inclination, right? And if my natural inclination is not towards this, then how long can I stave off the inner force within me that is compelling me so strongly, so hurtlingly, towards that natural inclination? It goes like this: as I contemplate the deepest physically manifest part of my Self as it is incarnate within my person right now, I see my person moving towards a specific life path, fairly different from what I'm presently doing, beginning almost immediately.

As always, there is a question, a dilemma (for how else could we be manifest on Earth without this constant dilemma, this tearing asunder?): how should I act today, tomorrow and in the foreseeable future in order to realize this natural inclination with the least conflict and/or pain inflicted as possible? (Or even - wait a sec - proceeding without causing pain has been a very traditional model for me that perhaps I could consider discarding at this moment - what if I just disregarded the possible effects in such-and-such manner in this or that area, and just really did let myself flow towards that natural inclination? Perhaps, horror of horrors, the pain wouldn't actually be as severe as I think it would be now, and the positive groundswell of energy I would undoubtedly feel by having allowed myself to proceed towards that inclination would exceed even my wildest dreams now. Perhaps, it would feel Just Fucking Great.)

    What are you really doing here?
    What are your real duties here?
    What are your priorities here?
    What is it that absolutely needs doing?
    Does it matter where you focus your energy? If so, how?
    What makes up this natural inclination you're talking about?
    Is this natural inclination incongruent with your present life situation?
    ___If so, how would proceeding to this inclination be different from what you're doing now?
    ___If not, does it matter what makes up your present life situation? How?
    Why are you asking yourself these questions right now?
    Have you ever actually stopped asking these questions ever in your life?
    Is it time to stop asking yourself these questions?
    Would it matter if you didn't give these questions any more thought?
    Is it necessary to understand the most intimate workings of your life situation?

Are you EVER going to STOP ASKING yourself these QUESTIONS?????

And now, a more technical question: How does one change the font selection, size and colour in raw HTML?

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lightmare June 19th, 2001
i believe < font face="Verdana,Helvetica,etc" size=+10 color=#ffffff > ?? not so sure about the color part, haven't changed that in a while.

gwen42 June 19th, 2001
it's time for me to stop asking.
i'm tired of asking.

why bother?

iamom June 19th, 2001
Thanks - I kind of arrived at the same conclusion later this morning, after writing that. It felt a bit cathartic to put down all those questions, kind of like all I needed to do was ask them, and then I could release them to the wind, so to speak.

I'm going to try to keep doing that as a regular practice when I start psyching myself out with these stupid questions. I seem to get caught in some sort of quagmire, you know? After awhile, I can't even remember what it was I was originally supposed to be doing, for crying out loud. All this questioning, questioning, questioning... I really can't see what good comes from it.

gwen42 June 19th, 2001
i'm glad you came to this conclusion as well..
it's funny that in a two day span something snapped for both of us.

i was concerned initially that we might have reached a point where one of us would move on to something else and the other not. i was really glad when i read your post this morning.


what shall we talk about next?

iamom June 19th, 2001
Jesus, are you already ready to proceed? I feel like I need to assimilate this a bit more deeply into my psyche before moving on. Give me at least another day or two to digest this. This realization ranks about a 3 out of 5 for me in terms of overall significance, and has at least a 75% chance or more of fundamentally affecting the way I conduct myself on a day-to-day basis. I actually think that if I can wrap my head around this (that is, the cessation of inquiry in the context of my regular life), then I might just have stumbled across a way for me to live out the rest of my daily existence in relative peace and quiet.

That's all I really want, you know - to live out my daily existence in peace and quiet. I mean, it can be noisy and stressful as hell in terms of what I'm actually doing, but what's going on inside my own mind must be peaceful and quiet in order for me to keep my sanity.

What a confessional this post has turned into for me. I'm glad you seem to have grasped it so easily...

I've been on ICQ all day, btw, and even AIM for awhile earlier, but no gwennie was to be seen or heard at any time. When are you going to get in touch with me again, you goofball?

Looking forward to it, but not today - too busy! - call me soon though - I miss you somethin' awful, darlin'.

gwen42 June 19th, 2001
if you have to assimilate it then you aren't quite where i am.
something just snapped for me on that last post i made.

perhaps i have been working toward it for some time,,
but none of it matters anymore.
i dismiss so many thoughts and feelings.

i'm in some strange different place now.
time has slowed. i am no longer moving.
i have no real need to.

Re:

iamom June 21st, 2001
Fuck, that sounds like an enormous breakthrough to me. I'd really like to hear you talk about that some more. Call me sometime or something, would you?

gwen42 June 21st, 2001
that's just it,
there's nothing to talk about.

there just becomes no farther point in discussion.

i might try for you though.

iamom June 22nd, 2001
Granted, it will ultimately be almost impossible to talk about once we get together, so it might be hard to try.

(Deleted comment)

Re: "Analysis Paralysis"

iamom June 22nd, 2001
Your comments remind me that there's a lot of interesting things to be discussed about this quest we all seem to be on. So many, in fact, that I don't even see the point in discussing them anymore.

Imagine a place in time where we didn't have to be sitting here, constantly discussing these concepts and learning new things in order to figure out the meaning of our lives; a place in which conscsiousness simply exists, and IS, without any discussion or words about it?

Nothing is happening. Everything is as it is. How can we possibly discuss the unseen seed of that spark which ignites our own awareness?

All this stuff is a trick in my mind. I know i'm not really doing anything right now. There's like... an alien being inside of me, this formless force that is rooted to a source within; really, I'm no different than a tentacle, a thin spidery line among quadrillions of others, linked, burning, absorbing, nothing...

Obviously I need to meditate. That must be what helps you through these times, no? When you can't find the words to describe your reality anymore, you must sit quietly and contemplate them without using words at all?

hari OM, then. OM shantih. Thank you for writing.

*big hug*

fey June 19th, 2001
Sweetie, we need to talk. I mean, TALK.

Sorry I haven't been around much. New, strange, 9-6 schedule, myriad computer troubles, tiredness, and the whirwind of life have swished me away from cyberland and LJ world.

Miss you. You've been going through a lot, I see. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you.

*hug*

I'll say this before I go to sleep: Not that you ARE doing this, but I just wanted to remind you to please not overcomplicate things.

Sometimes, you (I mean "you" in the universal sense, not you personally) can talk/think/convolute a thing to death. I'm not saying that's what you're doing (only you really know that) but I just wanted to throw that out there.

You know me, keepin' it simple.

xoxo

~~S

iamom June 21st, 2001
Geez, that's a nice comment, and very constructive. Thanks, Syb. I, uh, well... Yeah, I think that's a really good observation.

*grin*

fey June 21st, 2001
I can't tell if you really mean that, or if you're really trying to say I'm full of... er. ;-)

If I am full of... er... then, well, forget everything I said and carry on. ;-)

If it really was a good thing to say, then I'm glad, and you're welcome, and anything I can do to help, I will.

Stay shiny, my friend. You are way too smart for me--s'why I haven't said anything about your recent, excellent journaling. Your high-falutin' thinking is too much for my brain, which is still in a tizzy: 9-6 is killing me. How do you do it? I keep getting up at 4:30-5:00, and getting zonked at 8-9. Pitiful.

Say, I was online this a.m., and didn't see you. Serves me right, huh?

Sorry for the tangent. I'll go away now.

~~S

Re: *grin*

iamom June 21st, 2001
Hey, great to hear from you. I came online this morning too, but it must have been a different time. Sorry we missed each other.

You know, I really did mean what I said there, but I almost added 'I'm not being sarcastic' to the end just in case you weren't sure. It'd be nice if we could leave voice messages on LJ sometimes instead of just text messages, which would give us a broader range of inflections to impart to our messages.

I'll keep looking out for you in the mornings, then. Hope you're enjoying your new job so far. Oh, and the way I deal with the 9-6 thing is to work from 10-4, if that helps out any! :)

Re: *grin*

fey June 22nd, 2001
Well, I'm glad to be of help, then! :-)

I too sometimes wish there was a better way to convey the way I really want to say something. I sometimes think I overuse that smiley thing after every sentence.

So. Have you solved this problem yet? Are you okay? You've been in quite the turmoil the past couple of weeks. Seems like the time for it. I was talking with a lady at work the other day, and she said our age is, like, something about a Saturn cycle or something. We're at the pinnacle of change or something. A good place to be. I guess! lol (Sorry for that last vagueness there...)

It's great to talk with you, too. I miss our chats, ALOT. You give me perspective. So, I like your idea of hours--10-4. *grin*

The job is going.... agh. I don't wanna talk about it. Everyone will think I'm stupid. Even Brad just shakes his head. He says I'm not cut out for office work. That I should get a nice landscaping job or something. Then I'd be outside. I feel a journal entry coming on, soon, and I guess I'll explain it then. Thanks for asking, though. *sigh*



You're funny

iamom June 22nd, 2001
You make it sound as though you're about to give birth to a new entity called a journal entry. I look forward to its christening, then, when we all see it in your journal.

Okay, I was being sarcastic that time, but in the nicest possible way. :)

I don't think I'm cut out for office work either, man, but I think that's okay. I think it's just the role we're playing right now, and I think it'll probably start changing fairly quickly.

Rather...

It's really always changing and it won't ever stop, so we have to just see through the changing in order to glimpse the reality underneath.

Re: You're funny

fey June 23rd, 2001
Heh. Yes, I got the sarcasm there. I just meant that this made me want to write, is all.

And I agree about the changes.

~~S

gfullr June 20th, 2001
Just for fun, I'll give you some answers.

What are you really doing here? nothing
What are your real duties here? none
What are your priorities here? none
What is it that absolutely needs doing? nothing
Does it matter where you focus your energy? No.
What makes up this natural inclination you're talking about? Not sure. Habits?
Is this natural inclination incongruent with your present life situation? No
___If so, how would proceeding to this inclination be different from what you're doing now?
___If not, does it matter what makes up your present life situation? No. How? Hmm...
Why are you asking yourself these questions right now? It still feels like you are a doer of things.
Have you ever actually stopped asking these questions ever in your life? Not sure.
Is it time to stop asking yourself these questions? You can't help it.
Would it matter if you didn't give these questions any more thought? No.
Is it necessary to understand the most intimate workings of your life situation? No.

Are you EVER going to STOP ASKING yourself these QUESTIONS????? It's hard to say.

From the primordial : )


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iamom June 21st, 2001
God, those are great, GREAT answers, man! I feel like a student who has been rapped on the head by my teacher with the stick just one last time before attaining zen.

While thinking about a way to reply to your post, it occurred to me that there's really nothing much to say. Again. It's probably a tribute to your comments that they render me wordless. (I love to talk!)

Ach - whatever, just thanks for replying to this entry so well. That was a great response.

Re: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gfullr June 21st, 2001
Thank god I had insomnia, or it never would have happened. Is that primordial or what? And you're right. Don't reply. I probably can't say such things again. This personal self is damn proud of himself, though. : )

Re: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iamom June 22nd, 2001
My favourite answer was to the question, "Why do I keep asking myself these questions," to which you replied, "You still feel like a doer of things." That's a really good one. Thanks again.

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