lookingup

Dustin LindenSmith

father | musician | writer


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lookingup

disappearing timeline

The new Radiohead is the bomb. It's a live album, and I've always wanted to see them play live. Good early morning music to wake you up.

The following might be hard to describe, but I want to try. As I've sunk deeper into this awareness of the Self in the past six months or so, I've noticed that I have a "to do" list associated with my old life. That is, I've had several things to wrap up or take care of (financial, job-related, whatever) that were left over from "before realization," if I can call it that. I've been slowly but steadily taking care of these last straggling details of my former life, and I feel like once I've finished, that the self as I previously knew it will be gone. These last "to do" items are the only strings that have kept my old self hanging around. My life "post-realization," if I can call it that, has brought about an understanding that there is nothing to be done; therefore, my life since that point is understandably simple: no questions, no problems, no sacrifices, no to-do list.

A little while ago, I felt something akin to bereavement for the dying away of that previous life and personality, but I've come to fully embrace that, now. I am the salt doll thrown into the ocean, instead of the boat being tossed about on the wavy surface.

I am I AM.

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ruiyi November 21st, 2001
Simplicity is wonderful, quite enjoyable in its free flowing lightness. I have enjoyed your words, thanks for posting them.

vyus November 21st, 2001
that's pretty wild. and i can understand the bereavement - i think part of me holds me back simply because it seems to enjoy the current way of being, there's something to it... but i guess if that weren't true, i wouldn't be this way ;)

all things, in time, all time.. =)

good morning!

iamom November 21st, 2001
Yeah man, good morning. And thanks for these great comments - I'm happy to have met you.

by the way

vyus November 21st, 2001
how do other people respond to this sort of change?

i know your dogs probably love it, but i thought you had a wife, too ;)

i know that when i get particularly lucid about myself, the changes seem to sometimes irk those who are used to me in certain patterns.

Re: by the way

iamom November 21st, 2001
What a funny and apt comment. I would imagine that if I talked to my wife a whole lot about what I write about in here, she would eventually get sick of hearing about it. I don't do that, though. These realizations are largely private events, despite writing about them here. Writing about them here is largely done for personal reflection or to share the experience with someone such as yourself who understands it. My wife and I share a relationship built on different topics.

I really treasure that relationship too, because it brings me back down to earth at the end of each day when she comes home from work. Unless we actually want to sit in our bedrooms and trip out on consciousness all day long, we do need to have a regular plugging-in to the world in our lives. (shit, I think I'm talking to myself, there - heh)

hai_kah_uhk November 21st, 2001
No questions?

No... problems?

I suppose that can be okay, once you get used to it. Me, I'm one of those people who, once I solve or accept all the problems, go looking for more.

It seems to be part of the mortal condition to crave conflict. I've at least acknowledged my craving and can point it at constructive things. If you transcend the conflict aspect of mortality, does that mean you transcend mortality? You're at least one step closer to it, I imagine. It's something people might want to strive for when they're alive. Funny, now that I'm dead, I have no intention of losing my mortality. I want all of it back.

Grass is always greener, perhaps.

essence November 21st, 2001
the live radiohead album is very good, indeed :)

gracejustis November 21st, 2001
You is. :) Me too.

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